Your Feet are Stupid!

I was sitting around the other day thinking about human anatomy.  The human body’s a pretty cool place.  It does lots of remarkable things, things so fascinating and ridiculous that we only actively use 10% of our brain, because the other 90% is too busy being blown the fuck away by how cool its own body is.  It can barely handle it.  I know I can barely handle it.  My pants are wet with excitement-urine as I think about the universe of the body and the cellular galaxies floating around inside my vein-holes.

For all the amazing things the body is capable of – seeing, jumping, stroking out, lifting cars off babies as a great publicity stunt, surfing, being immune to the effects of alcohol while driving, lifting the middle finger exclusively from a balled fist, yawning, thinking, surfing, high-fiving your buddies, pooping (what, you’d think I’d leave it out?), watching John Leguizamo’s The Pest without vomiting, and surfing – there’s one place where the body just got too preoccupied with creating neuroscience that it got lazy as fuck and gave us something sub-par.

Feet suck.  Look at them.  Just take off your socks and look at them.  They look like a dead seal met a hand and fucked and had a dead-seal-hand baby in a gutter.  Who wants that crap?  There are plenty of other things the body could have adopted as its preferred form of bodily transportation:  monster truck wheels, tank treads, cybernetic gyrospheres, Nickelodeon Gak, Play-Doh feet, foot-sized meteors, etcetera.  Instead, we got stuck with these stupid pieces of shit.

I’ve been studying how stupid feet are for forty years.  You can pretty much call me the best thing that’s ever happened to anthropological podiatry.  I’ve got a Ph.D. in how much feet blow.  Open your ears and let me rap at you, dingus.

Behold!  Facts You Never Knew About Feet Because Feet Bore the Fuck Out of You!

TRUE FACT:  Feet are butthurt about how much humans hate them.  Regardless of whether or not we want them to, feet have feelings too.  As part of the human body that doesn’t have functions that actually make it special, feet feel left out.  That’s why when you do something stupid like step on a button or knock your toes into a table, it hurts like a bitch.  Feet have sensory magnifiers in them that immediately activate the minute we do something to the foot that it doesn’t like.  I actually perform surgeries that remove these sensory magnifiers, which makes stubbing your toe or stepping on stupid shit virtually impossible.  I’m the only person who does it in the whole universe.  Why?  Feet don’t trick me.

TRUE FACT:  Human feet are the weakest feet ever imagined.  Every creature has feet.  Unfortunately, humans just got stuck with the shittiest feet ever.  They’re such pieces of shit that we need shoes to protect them.  Shoes.  Open your whole brain up and think of this concept:  Our feet need artificial feet to even be functional.  Have you ever tried to run across a flat field without a pair of shoes?  It sucks a fat one.  Think about feet on other animals.  Cats have evolved to have jelly beans on their feet and they still have no problem marching around in the snow.  Dogs, too.  And look at snakes and fish.  They have invisible feet.  You ever seen those fish-with-feet logos on the back of cars that are all like “LOL DARWIIIIIIN”?  That’s a veiled expression of my invisible foot theory.  People who have those stickers really know the drill.  They know who’s right.

TRUE FACT:  Foot fetishists die early deaths.  It’s true.  There’s nothing more complicated than that.  They die, on average, forty-three years earlier than vomit fetishists, rubber fetishists, and mustache fetishists, so check your loners and clutch your boners, boys, because you’re gonna die.

TRUE FACT:  The foot was invented before the foot.  Back when measurement was first invented – sometime between the invention of planets and gravity – Sir Isaac Newton said, “It’d be fucking awesome to have a convenient measurement that would multiply itself 7,368 times to be a whole mile.”  At that time, humans were rolling around Earth on their sides because feet had not yet come to fruition.  Human bowling was a popular form of game entertainment and pigs-in-a-blanket were the world’s favorite snack.  But then Winston Churchill got so sick and tired of everything that he rushed along the foreman at the Foot Fabrication Factory and stuck us with these stupid things.  Isaac Newton, struggling to find anything good about twelve inches, said, “Fuck it,” drank himself into a stupor, played rock music, and headbanged so hard that his brain turned into mashed potatoes.  The government rejoiced.

Ever since that day, my penis – in a grand ceremony of impotence and disappointment – ushered in a new form of measurement called the millimeter.

TRUE FACT:  Toenails are a fantastic source of protein.  They are.  Eat’em, ya dummy.  They’re not really there for anything else.  Just make a toenail salad and crunch away.  It’s like a crouton only a fuckton better.

There are only a smattering of the many true facts that I’ve compiled over the years.  Unfortunately for you, the Internet itself has produced a limit on the amount of foot truth I can squeeze into a single post.  Today and everyday, there’s a universe-wide Internet Superweb Infrastructure Ultrahighway Thoroughfare ban on foot-related knowledge.  Regrettably, our American government is seeking to minimize the amount of foot-related content that can be accessed at any given time on the Internet, so it’s up to you to speak out.

Fuck feet.  Speak up.  Seek justice.  Then go surfing.